MGM Grand in Bizarro Land

Today we went to the ol' MGM Grand Casino in Detroit for some of that tasty buffet. And while the food was good (after waiting in the traditional and ubiquitous 45-minute line), it sure would've been nice to wash it down with, oh, I don't know, some type of liquid? Other than our own saliva? You see, we were seated in this dark, remote corner of the restaurant where waitstaff dare not tread. I mean, we didn't even see anyone within 15 feet of our table for about ten minutes, and there's no drink machine so you're really depending on those waitstaff. Finally, someone saw the HELP--THIRSTY sign we created out of Equal packets, but then we didn't see him again for another twenty, thirst-inducing minutes. At this point the Mrs. was getting a thirst headache, and I kept eating in hopes that more food would help me ignore the thirst. Finally the guy came back and we drank our waters down with the speed of a banshee. Which was a mistake, of course, because we never got refills.

Then we got into the elevator to leave. You access them from the casino on 3, and we had to get to parking floor 6. We get in, press 6 (with a bunch of other people who press 4, 5 and 7), and our amazingly efficient elevator goes to--where else--level 1. Then it stops without opening the doors, and we're all like "please God, if you get us out of this elevator we'll never eat three pecan pie slices at one sitting again." But the elevator starts moving after 15 seconds or so, to much relief, and goes to level 3. Then level 2. Then level 3. People are getting worried. I'm expecting the elevator to announce itself as "Hal." You'd better believe that when the door opened, we ran out of there like roaches caught in the light. We decided to hoof it up the parking deck (no-one could find the stairs) to level 6, which was probably for the best--I'm sure it burned off 1/8 of a piece of pie.

Since I got to spend some quality (prayer) time with my fellow passengers during that ordeal, we agreed that MGM must be placing it's capital dollars into that fancy permanent casino it's building a few blocks over, so that must be why the elevators have gone haywire. But I figure, hey, if we're gonna spend 5 minutes in a bizarro elevator, MGM might as well install a slot machine or two in there to take our minds of the predicament. In the meantime, we'll be steering clear of the MGM Grand for awhile.

Happy New Year! Again!

In case I forget on Sunday, that's the Chinese New Year. Year of the dog, baby! Of course, ain't shit happenin' around here, because Detroit's one of the few huge cities that doesn't have a Chinatown, where celebrations that attract the non-Chinese en masse normally happen. The Dizza loves Hunan Chicken and will be "woofing" some down, pun intended. What's your favorite Chinese food?

Super Bowl Swiped!

Thousand apologies, LID readers, for my 3-day hiatus. But my mind is now clear and I can continue on ranting and raving about the local goings on. It's like my first post, all over again! Well well, 2 of the temporary stores in Detroit selling Super Bowl merchandise have already been broken into. Sounds about right. It's fitting, really, given that those stores were abandoned and burnt-out just two weeks ago. If they're gonna temporarily take advantage of Detroit's gains, they can experience Detroit's dark side, too. The thieves broke through the store windows. Haven't the store owners ever heard of those metal store-window grate-fences, used in every urban center? Guess the temporary "owners" didn't want to invest too much into Detroit.

Jerome Bettis: the Real "Tenderoni" Singer?

Today the Detroit Free Press ran this old-school picture of our boy Jerome Bettis, straight from his days at Detroit Mackenzie High School. But I'm not totally convinced; methinks it's really Bobby Brown. Before you say "hell to the naw", consider that classic thin profile and perfectly shaped high top fade that makes me weepy for the days of Kid 'n Play. Or weepy because I remember all the pain I suffered trying to jump the vacuum like Kid 'n Play did. Where's my Cool Water cologne? Anyway, we're all weepy in Detroit that our homeboy will be back to play in Super Bowl XL. And mad that every street in town will be closed during Super Bowl week. Hey, we're the Motor City; we need to be able to drive! And the only major city where taking public transit is looked down upon, although I'm still all about the mighty subway systems of NYC and Philly. But we're still glad the game is here...now if I could just afford a $500 ticket to one of the celebrity parties...isn't there someone out there who can get me in?

What's Up with the Twins?

So by now everybody knows the story of the twins on American Idol, Darrell and Tarrell. Word on the street is that they allegedly stole someone's identity to steal a car to get to the AI auditions. Big story over the weekend, but then it died. What I'm wondering is, is it really true? Normally AI stories hang on longer than the war in Iraq, so I'm thinking maybe we've got a fabrication (reminds me of some fine fake handbags that, um, a "friend of mine" got in Chinatown last year). Has anyone heard anything?

Why Mondays Suck at Ford

Monday the 23rd--worse than Friday the 13th if you're a Ford employee. As part of Ford's supposedly turnaround (and metro Detroit's further economic decline), Bill Ford Jr. (aka the Dow Jones' youngest-looking CEO/scion--oops, the Toyota Scion is one reason Ford's gone downhill) will announce that about 25,000 blue collar and 4,000 white collar jobs will be slashed, along with the closing of many plants. At least some of those plants are in Mexico, so we can't say all the jobs are lost to NAFTA. Ford employees and the local media are referring to tomorrow as Black Monday, and with all the pink slips being handed out, you can bet security will be Air Force One-tight around Ford headquarters to prevent anyone going postal...or going Ford, as the potential case may be. Disclaimer from LID to Ford employees: violence isn't being encouraged, so don't "go Ford"...just take your slip and walk out like a man, head high. Then get yourself a blog and dog the company best you can. Luckily I'm not a Ford employee, so I don't have to spend my Monday in dread, but much love and severance checks to those of you who are.

Completely Original Prediction

OK, so we're already in the second quarter of the Steelers/Broncos game, but I swear my prediction isn't biased: Steelers over the Broncos. And later on today, the Panthers will beat the Seahawks. No, the Seahawks will beat the Panthers. That's my official statement. I've got to admit, the NFC title game really doesn't excite me, and I often confuse both teams as AFC.

I'm not a gambling man (bet you on it), but today's "Detroit News and Free Press" (the two papers aren't mighty enough to have individual Sunday publications) had an interesting article on the types of Super Bowl sidebets often available in Las Vegas. Quench your gambling thirst with bets like these: will the first missed field goal miss to the left or right, which team will win the coin toss, who will challenge a play first, will the difference between the two scores be an odd or even number. And with $200 billion in Super Bowl gambling taking place every year, many fools are losing money (and wise men making it). Now if you don't mind, pardon while I jet down to the Caribbean to register a Lost in Detroit online gambling site! Imagine the bets: when will LID post again? How many days until the next new iPod? How many auto plants will Ford close? Mine eyes are giant like saucers with the possibilities...